im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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