awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
