I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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