atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
