Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
