You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
