if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
