so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
