she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
