We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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