so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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