A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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