I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
