The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
did i just pee glitter
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
