In the future we'll all be gay
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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