Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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