Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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