Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
