if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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