here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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