I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
