how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
