You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
