She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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