break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
