My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
