Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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