highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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