I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
