My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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