A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
