Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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