i would punch a child for taco bell
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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