i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
