I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
