This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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