They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
