I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
