somebody snuck up and got me drunk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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