On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
