She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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