I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I understand Curling. That high.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
