my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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