I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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