you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
