kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
