Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
