Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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