I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
