There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
