Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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