why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
