Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
