I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
