My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
