Umm I'm too high to move.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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