It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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