i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I need to stop coming to work sober
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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