hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I am available for nakedness
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
